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The Theory of Evolution

The first presumption is that we are evolving.

When discussing something like The Theory of Evolution it is imperative that we’re all talking about the same thing. So, just to be clear, this is the definition of “Theory” that I’m using. It was pulled from the Google version of Oxford Languages. In other words, I Googled it.

Theory: an idea used to account for a situation or justify a course of action. “My theory would be that the place has been seriously mismanaged.” (I presume the speaker was referring to Earth).

And this is the definition of evolution that I’m going with.

Evolution: the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form. “The forms of written (or spoken) languages undergo constant evolution.” (This is going to come into question a couple paragraphs from now).

So, when you put these words together and in context with the human race, one would assume that we’re talking about humans progressing from a simple and uninformed state of being, toward a more complex and enlightened state of being. 

That’s the assumption, but the definition of assumption that I’ll go with is, “Assuming things can make an ass out of you and me.”

Once upon a time we humans did not have a grasp on what made the apple fall from the tree, but Mr. Newton came up with how gravity works and our ancestors said,

“Ahhh. I understand now.” After that, every time an apple fell from a tree, they more or less understood why. That might make you say, “See! We’re evolving.”

Evolution is at work.

On the other hand, our non-gravity comprehending ancestors were acutely aware that a male cow had a wanker and a female cow made babies and produced milk. But somehow in the 2020’s we, on one hand, have evolved to having the ability to send insults around the globe in a matter of seconds, but we no longer have the ability to determine which cow is the boy cow and which one is the girl cow. What the hell? It’s like we only have a certain amount of room in our heads for logic and common sense, and whenever we figure out one piece of the puzzle we are forced to throw out another piece that we already had in place.

Back in our caveman days humans ate whatever they could get our hands on and our ancestors were not likely all that picky about what it was. Then one day one of our cave people ancestors picked up a piece of cooked meat found in the remnants of a forest fire, and they said,

“Daaaaaaaaamn! This is good eatin!” Now, here we are a few hundred thousand years later saying, “Pass me the Stubbs barbeque sauce… and another beer.”

We’ve come a long way from chewing on a raw dinosaur to chowing down on smoked brisket. Yet again… on the other hand, I saw a breakfast sandwich a couple days ago that was wrapped in paper that had, “Do not eat this wrapper,” written on it. We’ve evolved to the point of cooking and seasoning our food and drinking the appropriate beverages, but now after a few hundred years of knowing that we do not eat the paper food is wrapped in, we need to be reminded to not eat the paper that it’s wrapped in. It doesn’t sound like we’re evolving all that much.

I went to Walmart today to print some pictures on the instant picture printing machine. That’s pretty evolved, right? I mean it was only a few years ago that I had to take thirty-six pictures and then mail them off before finding out that I only took five good ones. On the other hand… I was having problems with the machine, so I asked the employee that worked in the electronics section if she could help me. She momentarily looked up and broke her zombie like trance from her phone and her mumbled response was, and this is a quote,

“Vzzbaaarrrrable chuka bedlobmmmma,” and then she looked back on her phone and began enlightening herself with more evolutionary internet information. I momentarily wondered if this was what cavewomen sounded like when they were annoyed and didn’t feel like answering questions.

All of this has gotten me thinking and what I think is that both theories of how the world came to be, must be wrong, or at least problematic. If the God thing is correct then it would seem that wisdom and intelligence would be progressing. You know… because of God. But it feels to me that the world might be getting dumber by the day. And if the Darwin thing was correct, well who the hell knows what we’re evolving into. After supposedly perfecting human communication for 300,000 years, today someone said, “Vzzbaaarrrrable chuka bedlobmmmma,” and acted as though she was certain that we had actually communicated. This is just a presumption on my part, but I think she believed she spoke in an actual human language.

With all that said, I still hold out hope for mankind. Somewhere along the line in my family DNA or in the soul that God put in my body, there is a voice that constantly reminds me that where there’s life, there’s hope. And the same voice reminds me that the best is yet to come despite there being a questionable amount of evidence to support that belief. Am I right? Let’s hope so. I have to hold on to the hope that we’ll turn the corner soon and remember to not eat the paper without being reminded and cows with wankers are the guy cows. It would be heartbreaking if in two or three generations someone asked one of my descendants a question and they mumbled, “Vzzbaaarrrrable chuka bedlobmmmm,” and somehow believed they actually said something. 

It’s gonna get better again. It has to… right?

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